Love & Detachment
We often hold negative associations with the concept of detachment. "She seemed so detached," we overhear someone say with a pained look on his face. We may perceive someone who is detached as uncaring, irresponsible, unloving, or any number of other things. We are made to believe that attachment is what brings happiness. We often confuse love and attachment.
During the last few months, the universe has gifted me with valuable experiences regarding attachment and detachment in a relationship. When I entered a particular relationship dance, I consciously committed to breaking through structures and limitations that had been present in all my previous relationships. These structures and limitations were echoes of familial patterns, past relationships, and societal norms. I opened myself more fully than I ever had before, moving through fear, and allowing myself to be utterly vulnerable and exposed. I engaged in this dance with a beautiful, divine being who embodies the very essence of detachment and love.
During this time, I observed myself growing more and more connected (more attached, we might say) to this being, as there were no longer walls around my heart. This experience may be related to what people refer to as "falling in love." It was a new experience for me. I had been on the receiving end of such an experience but never on this end.
When we attach to someone, there is a connection like an energetic cord. This energetic cord has a similar function to the physical umbilical cord. When we are in the womb, we are connected by the umbilical cord to the mother in order to gain nourishment; this connection is necessary to support life. When we enter this world, and we are able to thrive on our own, it is time for the chord to be cut, we detach. In relationships, not realizing there is any other way, we energetically attach to another in order to draw nourishment, to get our needs met.
We are conditioned into believing that the fulfillment of all our emotional needs and our happiness are attained through a significant other, or through other outside sources, rather than from within. Emotions are energy, and we believe we need energy from others. We believe we are like light bulbs needing to be plugged into an electrical outlet in order to shine. And we are continually bombarded with messages to reinforce this false belief -- everything from co-dependent love song lyrics like, "I can't live without you," to our parents and friends telling us, "You'll find somebody to make you happy, don't worry." With this repeating message, it is not difficult to see how we then internalize this belief. We say, consciously or unconsciously, "I am not with the woman/man of my dreams, therefore, I am unhappy. I feel confused, forlorn, unwhole, unloved."
Statements like these hand over the ownership of our experiences and feelings to another person. We are saying, "You are here to make me happy," or "You are here to make me feel loved, or "I am sad because you left," -- you, you, you -- removing self-responsibility and making others the cause of what happens to us. We disempower ourselves. How can another person be responsible for something that is our personal, inner feeling state?
Having an energetic cord in a relationship also sets up expectations. Again, stated consciously or unconsciously (usually unconsciously), "If I buy you dinner" (or take care of the kids, or am kind to you, etc.), "you will like me more and want to spend more time with me so that I can get my emotional needs met." We are engaging in action with the expectation that it will bring us something in return. I want to be clear that I am not saying there is anything "right" or "wrong" with this way of engaging, but merely that it puts the responsibility of our need-fulfillment in another person's hands.
If we commit to acting from the awareness that we are responsible for our life choices and what we create, we have the opportunity to realize our truth, which is that we are NOT the light bulb. Rather, we are the electricity! We are that which we are seeking.
Having a fair amount of experience with energetic cords from times past, during the last few months, when I would feel attachment to this loved one, I would regroup and consciously "cut the cord" (a cord-cutting ceremony is a powerful tool from the shamanic tradition). I consciously chose to gain my nourishment and energy from sources other than this person. This happened time and time again -- I would feel energetically attached, and then cut the cord. Then, as if it had a will of its own, I would discover the cord attached once more (all those darn years of conditioning!). So again I would be persistent and cut it. Attach, snip...attach, snip...attach......snip.
Even when an energetically corded relationship comes to an end, or transitions into another form, the cord may still be there for a time. This is experienced in any number of ways: continued longing for the other, blame, projection, a sense of feeling incomplete without him or her, an attempt to control the other person's behavior because she isn't doing what we think she should be doing, etc., etc. This cord could remain attached for a few minutes, a few days, or a few years, depending on when we choose to cut it and release it.
The challenge is in the letting go, the surrendering to the unknown. As our hands grip the edge of the cliff, we cannot always see what lies beneath our dangling feet. But let there be trust, for others have gone before us and joyfully lived to tell the story.
When we choose to cut cords, we are not saying that we must disconnect ourselves from experiencing or feeling love. On the contrary, once we distinguish attachment from love, understanding they are not synonymous, we open ourselves up to experience a more powerful, pure, and expansive love, for it is no longer limited to just one person, and no longer based on need. It is like going from having a few teaspoons of water dribbled upon us to being plunged in the ocean! We become immersed in it. We realize it is in every thing and every one. It is impossible NOT to experience love, for this is our very essence.
A couple days ago, I came across these words by Don Miguel Ruiz from his book Beyond Fear. They are a beautiful reminder and reflection. He states, "Other peoples' love can awaken your love, but it is your own love that makes you happy. That love is your own truth. It is your freedom.... Happiness can come only from inside us. No one can make us happy. Happiness is an expression of our love coming out of us. We are not happy because others love us, but because we love them."
I am grateful to the universe, to Spirit, for providing such an ever-abundant supply of life experiences from which to learn and grow! May we all embrace our truth, experience our freedom and joy, and embody our love-essence.
Love All Ways,
Kristi
Only the person who is utterly detached and utterly dedicated is free to enjoy life. ~ Gandhi
Give up attachment to the results of what you do. That is, give your best to every undertaking without insisting that the results work out the way you want, or even whether what you do is pleasant or unpleasant....Those who are compulsively attached to the results of action cannot really enjoy what they do; they get downcast when things do not work out and cling more desperately when they do... Seek refuge in the attitude of detachment and you will amass the wealth of spiritual awareness. ~ Bhagavad Gita
Image by suchitra prints, courtesy of Creative Commons license.
Tweet- 10-13-09
- Kristi Bowman's blog
- Login or register to post comments
- Printer-friendly version
Comments
Thank You for Truly Inspirational Insight
i am married to one woman
and through that i feel all love, i still love all the women i ever did.Oh i was never conditioned to think that my life mate would give me what i could not find within, i mean i guess i was not very conditionable, not that i did not get affected with conditions that were around me.Going within never completely eradicated the mass of complex conditions of existence.There is no perfect formula or secret that eliminates concretions of our born into this.Not even if you live in some Ashram for 30 years.If you are so fortunate to have a loving family that supports your within, then even then nothing is certain.Your "within" is there with you, unless you never dare look at it.I know it's there, it just seems to play hide and seek. I saw it today, through some mist, it was an island with teeming colors of orangishred-purplegreen, the colors just glow from within, the island looks like one living jewel of all the withins, it sends out a wave of bliss and harmonic totality.Ok, i must heed its call.
But this article seems to really be about cutting cords.And that is ok, because if it is time to depart then only your heart knows.Ok now close your eyes, and detach but stay connected.Oh, i never thought it was limited to one person, just that one person and one other person seem to work well this time.
Seems to be one of the few
Revolutionrabbit ~ thank you for sharing! I am intrigued to hear how your experience has been one where you have known that your needs are met from within and therefore you have not put expectations/need fulfillment on to your loved ones. Beautiful! Most of us have not had this level of awareness and centeredness about us. :)
And yes, cord cutting is a big aspect to this article, but this cord cutting does not necessarilty result in "departing" or severing the relationship. Rather, it allows for a greater sense of self, wholeness, and the opportunity for a more pure love, one not based on attachment.
wow
Yes, bounce!
I love it! Yes, bounce away!
How wonderful when the Universe/Self/Within/Spirit, etc. etc. gives us messages and we allow our selves to flow with them. Thank you for sharing your thoughts/perspectives. Thank you for sharing your within-ness outwardly with us!
~K
"We are here to awaken from our illusion of separateness." ~ Thich Nhat Hanh
reminds me
i heard that voice about meeting my mate, if you want to call it a voice, it was more a silent message, maybe like the breath of the life force, i heard it not long after i went to the first Mahakali ritual performed in this country, at the San Francisco Masonic auditorium,(i don't know if there ever was a second Mahakali ritual done in America) that was a very powerful experience with all those Tibetan Monks chanting, and the Lama giving blessing.It was not very long after that i met my wife.I am a psychic person, my wife recalled hearing my name before she met me, she is psychic as well. Yes, there are times when people receive messages, and they don't allow themselves to flow with them.Perhaps i flowed because on some level my karma was always more instant, using John Lennon's words.So, at times my flowing sounds to others like i am being uncivil, at least in this internet invironment.But, i do not say things just to be rude, i say things because i think like i write, and i write like i think.I really don't care nor do i have the time for social barriers, if one is to flow, then one must let it flow, and sometimes its like a flood, or a burst of raw insight, so much gets lost in the social filter, and it becomes misunderstood.I tend to think the risk of getting the flow through is worth the misdirection.As my direction is coming through direct, i am not coming from angles, i lost my angles a long time ago, if i ever had any.And bounce away, i must.
"Dreams are necessary to life" Anis Nin
Entheogenesis: Spiral Out
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wS7CZIJVxFY&fmt=18
http://www.alexgrey.com/interviews/entheon.html
visualizing divine potential
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qss9NB0A3ko
living life like an ever expanding cosmic spiral
Ancient Wisdom for Modern Times
Thank You!
Thank you for this lovely essay, Kristi! It is just the reminder I've needed and comes at the perfect time!
I'm wondering if you would be willing to post your cord cutting exercise/technique here for those who may be unfamiliar with this? I have one I use that an energy healer taught me and works very well when I remember to use it! I may post it later if I have time and energy.
Blessings,
*sTeviE*
Have you hugged your enemy today?
How do you tell the difference?
Another question that comes to mind is how one tells the difference between love and attachment. Often it is obvious in the forms it takes as described in the essay. Sometimes, though, attachment can be very subtle and can pass under the internal radar. Is the normal excitement and anticipation about interacting with someone we love to be confused with attachment? Or is this attachment? Sometimes it can be very confusing because of the ways we've been socialized to experience love. Is anyone here willing to share how they discern the difference? Thank you so much!
Have you hugged your enemy today?
cord-cutting and musings
steviestonehenge~ I appreciate your comments! I'm glad you were able to find the article meaningful for you at this time.
I use a simple cord-cutting ritual. The first and primary aspect of this tool is to consciously, deliberately set a clear intention. If we only partially feel we want to be less attached, then that will likely be our result. If you are clear in your resolve, it is more effective.
Next, visualize the energetic cord, close your eyes, feel and sense into where it is attached. Is it your heart area, your second chakra area (lower belly and navel area), etc. Then use your hand to grasp around the cord about 6 inches or so out from your body (eyes closed or open, still visualizing the cord). The cord may feel large or small in diameter. Use your intuitive abilities. I have a condor feather that I received from a shaman in Peru to then slice/cut the cord in that space between my body and my grasping hand. You can also use your hand or visualize an energetic knife or sword.
As soon as the cord is cut, take the end of the cord and ground it into the earth by taking the hand that is grasping and plugging it into the floor or ground. One can also visualize plugging the cord upward into the sky, connecting with that greater, ultimate Source of the divine. Either works, just depends on your preference. Earth energy is also a beautiful, nurturing and transmuting energy.
After the cord is cut and grounded, send loving energy/thoughts towards the person who is connected to the other end of the cord. You can say something like, "You are loved, just as I am loved. May we both realize our fullness within," or whatever loving words intuitively arise for you.
Repeat the above steps as necessary :)
I look forward to continuing our sharing regarind your post "How do you tell the difference" at a later time, and look forward to hearing others' musings as well!
Blessings on your journey.
~K
"We are here to awaken from our illusion of separateness." ~ Thich Nhat Hanh
Connected Unattachment
Thank you Kristi, this article speaks so clearly to what I'm going through right now.
I've been in four long-term relationships in the last 40 years since I was 20 years old, and have been single for only six months in that time. The same patterns of attachment, expecting the other to be the source of my happiness and (even worse) expecting myself to be the source of their happiness have played out in every one of them. Initial bliss is followed by unhealthy merging, followed by dissatisfaction, followed by misery, followed by mutual blame and finally dissolution.
My current relationship is different. At the beginning we made a commitment to each other to have a fully conscious relationship, in which we recognize each other as autonomous in all respects. We embrace a principle I call "connected unattachment". The core of the principle is that the love connection we share operates at a deeper level than the personality. The personality with all its neuroses, fixations, projections, filters and programs acts as a veil to obsucre the essential connection that we know exists between us.
From this perspective, attachment is a manifestation of the personality, while connection (which is identical with love) is a manifestation of our essential being.
As my partner and I encourage each other in our work and our awakening, and to let us live our love, we honour two commitments: to show up and to stay in the room.
"Showing up" means being committed to staying awake together. That means being willing to respond when the other asks, "Are you sleeping?" It also means being prepared to ask that question, both of myself and her. Asking and answering that question can both be very uncomfortable.
"Staying in the room" means being prepared to sort through or process the things that arise between us, even if they are difficult, painful or even ugly. Of course, our mutual agreement is that we will do this in full presence to ourselves, each other and the event in question so that it doesn't degenerate into an ego-driven (or id-driven or superego-driven) exchange of attacking, blaming or defending.
As an example, one of the triggers we just processed was around my putting up protective guards because I felt resentful that she wasn't meeting my need for merging. The outcome was that I recognized that this need was part of my personality's attachment fixation, and that we were still connected despite the little tantrum my id was throwing.
It's hard work, and the tools required are not taught by marriage counsellors. Fortunately, every time we work through another piece of our three-cornered me/you/us puzzle the sense of connection, growth, liberation and love is so transcendant that I actually look forward to the next time my ego says, "Oh shit, here we go again!"
Bodhi
A single connection is the quantum unit of the sacred.
a beautiful conscious relationship
Bodhi ~
My first reaction when reading your post was a very vocal, resounding, "YES!" (blurted out in the relative quiet of the tea house in which I was enjoying lunch). It takes such courage to engage in a relationship with eyes wide open! And to keep going with eyes open even when it gets quite uncomfortable!
I deeply appreciate your words of: "As my partner and I encourage each other in our work and our awakening, and to let us live our love, we honour two commitments: to show up and to stay in the room." What more beautiful thing can we share in a partnership than to encourage/support each other's awakening and to allow each other to live his/her love?!
Thank you for taking the time to share your experience, Bodhi! May you and your partner continue to show up, stay in the room, face the discomfort, and experience the love as you dance together in that space of deepest truth.
For anyone who may be interested, a book that provides some useful tools on this topic is Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks
~K
"We are here to awaken from our illusion of separateness." ~ Thich Nhat Hanh
Great Article!
trust as you let go
Nathan ~
Very observant of you to relate your current interations with others with your story as a young boy. So many of us often do not realize our own potential. We limit ourselves through fear on many layers.
Intuitively you will know when you're ready to let go of the coffee table and experience your inherent freedom.
~K
"We are here to awaken from our illusion of separateness." ~ Thich Nhat Hanh
Drop the expectation, please :)
I definately agree with the things that you have to say. I believe that individuality is innately lost when someone is too attched. I think, also, that people grow apart because they mistake not communicating for detachment. People, when individualized, are in a constant state of change, and that is how we should be--ever evolving beings! But, many people do not communicate this effectively to their partners.
I have been in a committed relationship for 6 years, and we use many tools to be sure that we are updating one another while still maintaining our sense of selves. I always make sure I tell my partner when something changes within me, even if I don't have a clear way of defining it. So, I may approach him (as often happens) and say, "you know, I have really been thinking about XYZ and my feelings about this have changed" He may sometimes say, "well, why are you telling me this?" and I'll smile and say, "just wanted you to know." It is a constant checking in that we engage in voluntarily (and WITHOUT expectation) that allows us to first accept ourselves, and then deal with eachother. I think that is a very important bit.
Another is that we never expect things of one another in a concrete way. We apply this in several ways, and strive to constantly improve our system. A great example of this is the recent recession...my partner was laid off about 2 years ago(construction field), and people were sympathetic for, oh, about 2 minutes...and when he didn't return to work after the 1st year, people were angry, seemingly, with not only him, but me! I knew that not only was I not responsible for his lack of work, but that I didn't actually CARE! I wanted to be happy, and I wanted him to be happy, because when that happens, we are generally very happy together. People could not understand how I could have such a low expectation for someone, especially with us having been together so long, but I love him because he is who he is and because he is true to himself--not for some job he might have, and certainly not for what others think. I believe that Frida Kahlo puts it best in speaking about her husband, Diego, "I cannot love Diego for what he is not, I love him for what he is." And this is how I love as well. And this is how love grows.... Through giving him what he needed in this very delicate situation (ie- space and nonjudgement), he was able to (at the age of 30) for the first time think about what he actually wanted for himself in the world, and the type of life he would like to build. We are opening our first business this year, and we are happier and hippier than ever!
I feel that love truly does set us free, but that love has to start with yourself. I have such a deep love for myself that it shines through in everything I do (or I at least hope it does! HAHA) and I am then able to cultivate a life rich in love and free of expectation. I had been struggling particularly hard with myself the past couple of months and putting a lot of expectations on myself, when a friend reminded me that it is not good to expect things, even from yourself. She told me to "want" things, not to expect them from myself, because I would be less disappointed....so as a small start, one might try replacing the word "expect" with "want." We all struggle with the little things from day to day, and I think that stepping back is the greatest way to glean wisdom.
Yay for the happy hippies! :)
I very much enjoyed your wisdom and reflections! You put it so well when you said, "People, when individualized, are in a constant state of change, and that is how we should be--ever evolving beings! But, many people do not communicate this effectively to their partners."
Yes, when there is open communication in a relationship and the mutual acknowledgment and understanding that we are always flowing, evolving beings, love and happiness have the space to flourish.
Way to go during the time of your partner's transition in work! You didn't fall into the pattern that was present in those around you.
To echo your sentiment, I love the bumper sticker that simply says, "Begin within." When we love, accept and do not hold expectations on ourselves, we are able to love, accept and not hold expectations of others.
Shine on, you guys...shine on! :)
~K
"We are here to awaken from our illusion of separateness." ~ Thich Nhat Hanh
Attachment vs Love
In Zen-style teaching, we make the distinction like this:
Attachment is "for me." Love is "for you."
Stuart
http://stuart-randomthoughts.blogspot.com/
http://home.comcast.net/~sresnick2/booboo.htm
timely as...
I am in the midst of perhaps my biggest personal lesson so far in attachment and detachment. In the midst of a break up and this article speaks volumes to me. It makes perfect sense in my head, but it is very difficult to manifest. As you said in the beginning:
"We are conditioned into believing that the fulfillment of all our emotional needs and our happiness are attained through a significant other, or through other outside sources, rather than from within. Emotions are energy, and we believe we need energy from others. We believe we are like light bulbs needing to be plugged into an electrical outlet in order to shine. And we are continually bombarded with messages to reinforce this false belief -- everything from co-dependent love song lyrics like, "I can't live without you," to our parents and friends telling us, "You'll find somebody to make you happy, don't worry." With this repeating message, it is not difficult to see how we then internalize this belief. We say, consciously or unconsciously, "I am not with the woman/man of my dreams, therefore, I am unhappy. I feel confused, forlorn, unwhole, unloved."
This is where I am, for sure. Daily I go up and down from desperation to self-sufficiency - the extreme of each feeling plays out in my body and mind. But ... if it not their love that makes me happy, and it is my loving them, how does that help the matter? If they no longer wish to receive my love, where does my happiness play out? In a detached love, a "letting go" as it were (if you love someone you have got to let them go). What can be done to undo the conditioning of monogamy and all of the above quoted sentiments so many in our culture hold today? I put all of my energy into my relationship with this person...it was misplaced. Everything I threw myself into before I met her, I have forgotten. I want to come back to my self, my passions. How...
riding the waves back to self
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings as you are in the midst of a relationship shifting. I can hear that your head makes sense of the article, while it is also challening for your heart and body to come to terms with the concept of detachment. You mentioned you "go up and down from desperation to self-sufficiency." You will no doubt continue to ride these waves for a bit.
I can hear your pain as you expressed, "But ... if it not their love that makes me happy, and it is my loving them, how does that help the matter? If they no longer wish to receive my love, where does my happiness play out?" The cord/attachment can go both ways - in needing to be loved by another and also in needing that person to need our love. The key word here is "need." The lyrics to one of those codependent love songs arise in my mind. The song, "I want you to want me," starts like this:
--------------
I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I'd love you to love me
I'm beggin' you to beg me
I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I'd love you to love me
----------------
In cutting the cord, releasing the attachment that our happiness is dependent on our connection with others, we free ourselves to fully embody the love that we are. Granted, it can be difficult in the midst of a separation after a lifetime of messaging that attachment is love, and especially if we have put all our energy into that cord that is connected to the other person.
You say, "I want to come back to my self, my passions." Start there. Start with that intention, and hold it close. Identify what your passions are and allow yourself to experience them, live them. Ask yourself, "Who am I?" and rediscover the answer.
I imagine that when you allow yourself to come back to your self, and maintain that integrity even while dancing with others, you will experience relationships very differently, and you will feel the freedom, wholeness, and joy overflowing from within.
You are valued! You are loved! You are love...
~K
"We are here to awaken from our illusion of separateness." ~ Thich Nhat Hanh
Thank You
Love in 360 degrees
Wonderful article, Kristi! As a triple Cancerian (with Sagg rising!) I've lived a fabulous tug-of-war between freedom and loyalty in all of my significant relationships, even with my children!
The 'attachment' question converted into 'loyalty' about 9 years ago, as my primary consort has been married during most of our 30-year relationship. Attachment and loyalty are similar, but distinctive: will I be present when love seems in short supply? can I continue to be a resource, someone who *sees* my lovers as they are? will I succumb to fears of loneliness, ostracism, depletion? Loyalty requires a kind of courage that attachment does not even begin to approach.
As a Tantrika, my relationships all build toward this question: How is *this experience* going to wake me up? Since that has assumed the helm, I've discovered that there is no relationship beyond the reach of that goal. This has changed everything.
Leu
"Bobos –as nascent Bobosattvas-- are pretty sure that the Queendom of Heaven is within them, and are undaunted –or even intrigued-- by the sticky irridescence of the map. "
from Tantra for Bobos http://tantra4bobos.blogspot.com