Embracing Even the Hatred: A Personal Dharma Journey

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On a recent 40-day meditation
retreat, I experienced a wave of self-hatred so shocking, so intense, that it
changed the way I relate to sexuality, guilt, homophobia, and healing. I want to tell you the story.

The whole thing began innocently
enough: during a dharma talk one evening, a teacher said that all of our
habits, preferences, and opinions are conditions in and of the mind, and all of
them can be changed. Though we may
derive an identity from some of these dispositions and beliefs, it is incorrect
to do so.

I recoiled. Having spent over ten
years trying to change my sexuality, having despaired of it to the point of
suicide, and having finally come out the other side healthy, sane, and
sexually whole, I felt as though I knew from experience both that sexuality
cannot be changed and that to say it can be is enormously harmful. Even if sexuality is a phenomenon of the mind
and not the body — i.e., even if it is a result of conditioning, childhood,
and behavioral patterns, and not of genetics or biology — sexual orientation
is effectively hardwired in. Trying to
change it is as healthy as trying not to breathe.

I spent the next half-hour in
walking meditation — this was a vipassana meditation retreat, silent,
Buddhist, and oriented toward gaining experiential insights into the nature of
mind and reality — furious at the ignorance of this teacher. I paced back and forth, noting a whole lot
of anger. But then, literally mid-step,
I realized how attached I was to my own belief that sexuality cannot be
changed. It wasn't just an intellectual difference
I had with the teacher — I was really attached to my "story" of how
sexuality develops in the mind.

And immediately, I realized that I
was so attached to my story that "sexuality is unchangeable" because
I would change my sexuality if I could.

Now, as a director of a national
queer religious organization, and as someone whose work is deeply gay-positive
and celebrates the erotic and spiritual possibilities of being queer, this may
come as a bit of a shock. Certainly, it
did to me. Most of the time, I celebrate
my sexuality, and recognize it as a unique gift. But here I was, realizing that a part of me
was still self-hating, still telling myself that the way God made me was
wrong. Here is what I wrote in my
journal that night: I couldn't believe that, after all the work I've done on
myself and with others, after all that — I would still change it if I could?

I wonder what percentage of gay
men, if all it took were flipping a switch on the wall, would change to being
straight.

Over the next few hours, sitting
with all this pain and self-hatred, I came to another insight: that I hated the
self-hatred much more than the sexuality.
There were multiple layers, but the strongest hatred was not of being
gay — but of still, after all this time, being immersed in homophobia. I broke down in tears, crying out to
God. Later, I wrote:

I'm tired of hating myself

I'm tired of wanting myself to be straight, even a little

I'm tired of "Awell,
all things being equal, I'd prefer"

I'm tired of anything other

than full acceptance.

God, make me free of this desire to be other than what I
am.

Today I lack the confidence to say "what you made me."

Maybe what made me this way was a fuck-up,

an overbearing mother and a distant dad.

Maybe you never intended this at all,

except in the most far-fetched interpretation of "intent."

…That is what I'm tired of – even the barest
preference,

even the slightest self-hatred and denial,

let alone this suicidal despair

over something seemingly so unimportant,

so innocent.

 

…God,

change this

accept this

or let me die.

 

That night
was a dark one. I spent a lot of time
that night struggling to believe that I still had so much self-hatred.
How could this be? Why was it so stuck in me? And what could I do about it?

As I lay restless that night, and
into the next morning, I saw that the gay-hatred (it felt like hatred, not
fear, so I'm using that term instead of homophobia) was made of many, many
different component parts. Although it
wasn't good vipassana practice to go into the "story"
— we're supposed to explore the feeling itself, not its reasons; this is the
difference between insight meditation and therapy — I did it anyway.

First, I
saw how strongly my sexuality makes me feel rejected — by my parents, by my "internal parent," by authority
figures, and by others. Being gay
immediately links up for me with the many other ways in which I have
disappointed my mother's expectations, and other choices I made which were
equally disappointing to her: leaving a budding career in the law to be a
writer and teacher, choosing a career of heart over one of conventional success
and achievement, etc. Being gay was just
one more piece of how I am a failure.

Second, I
saw that gay just feels bad, in a stupid, non-rational way, because people have
told me so for decades. I knew that
faggots were the worst thing in the world before I even knew who or what they
were. And of course this is
"against nature."
Intellectually, of course, I know not to believe the bigots of today or
yesterday, and that homosexuality is found everywhere, and so on. But I want to be loved — I crave it. I hate feeling unloved, unsuccessful, unappreciated. And so, regardless of the obvious falsity of
what these people say, part of me believes them.

And
sexuality cuts me off from conventional family, conventional religious
community, and from the easy, full acceptance that most people take for
granted. Of course, gay people raise
children, wonderfully and beautifully.
But I wanted the whole package: the wedding without any ambivalence, the
endorsement of my culture, my sacred scriptures (I have my interpretations, but
I want to authoritative interpretations to agree). I want God to approve — unambiguously.

At the same time as all of these
tapes were playing in my mind — it's not natural, it's not acceptable —
another dialogue was happening: noting how insane it all was, and how at odds
it was with everything I thought I believed.
Here's what I wrote in my journal:

Look at how much
bullshit I still believe. I don't know
why I'm surprised. If we look at the
last presidential election, it's obvious that people make decisions based not
on facts but on feelings and emotional preferences. So why should I be any
different? Part of me — not the part I
experience most of the time, not the part I turn to for advice or action — has
these feelings, and judging them is not going to make them go away.

But I hate the
hatred.

It makes me feel
unlovable.

It makes me feel like
I don't deserve to be loved in any case.

It makes me feel like
a fraud.

It makes me feel like
someone distant from God, Spirit, goodness, and ethics. A
"sinner," if you will, but
translated into whatever language of Spirit you like.

It makes me incredibly envious of undeserving
straight people who have it so easy.

It makes me feel like I can never be
enlightened, and definitely have no business being a spiritual teacher.

It contradicts deeply-felt beliefs and
feelings I have about God and spirituality, which makes me feel sad, because I
love those beliefs and feelings.

I took a rest, and let the thoughts
settle. Clearly, there would be no "magic
bullet" to undo such a complicated, and longstanding, phenomenon of my
self-hatred. I made lists about what I
love about my sexuality; affirmed the freedom, joy, love, and intimacy that it
brings me; and recited lines from Gay
Soul
by heart. But the core was
still there, and no amount of affirmation would change that. So, what do I do
about it? How do I work with it? Deny?
Deprogram? See a shrink? Have sex?
What?

In fact, I
did three things. First, vipassana,
clear seeing into what is, with as little aversion of clinging as possible, combined
with intellectual reflection drawing on the wisdom of my core traditions. Second, visualization, reaching outside my
own consciousness to energies sometimes identified as angels. And finally, celebration.

 

Dharma
first.

 

Vipassana practice, like other
Buddhist practice, is fundamentally about seeing clearly. We don't push away what's going on for us; we
try to open to it, experience it as much as possible. When what's going on is joy, eros, or a sublime
sense of the sacred, this is a beautiful, life-changing practice. When what's going on is fierce self-hatred
and self-judgment, it can be hell. Like
a shaman wandering into a shadow realm, we are asked to invite the demon into
our cave (the images are from a story of Milarepa, the great Tibetan master)
and come to accept it as part of reality.

So the
first aspect of my dharma work was to make space even for the self-hatred. In theistic language (I'm a Jew as well as a
Buddhist), accepting it as part of reality means accepting that this is part of
God. This is It; this moment is
God. So the question is: can I be with
it? Can I accept — not in the sense of
saying the demon's okay, but in the sense of acknowledging its presence, and
letting it in without pushing it away — even the demons that cause you
pain? Doing so allows the mind to stop
pushing, and also teaches the mind to know the demon when it sees it. "Hmm," we might say months or years
later, "I know this. This is that
energy of self-hatred — I'm not going to believe this story."

A
second aspect of the practice, though, was even more important, and that was
seeing the self-hatred for what it really is, not what it is conventionally
thought of as being. At first, I
interpreted the feelings I was having according to the conventional geology of
the self. This is what I felt "deep down." This is was what I "really"
believed, despite all the rationale I'd proffered to myself and to others. But that entire geology is a fiction — deep
down inside what? All that was actually present in my experience were different
beliefs. One belief (gay is bad) had the
character — the "feeling tone" in Buddhist language — of being
long-held. Another belief (gay is good) didn't, even though I knew it made more
sense, and had led me to more happiness and more spiritual capacity. But the former belief wasn't really
"deeper" or truer. It was merely its character — its feeling — that
was being interpreted as "deep."

This was such a critical turning point
for me. Of course the guilt felt "deeper" — it's had thirty years
of constant reinforcement, as compared with just a few years of acceptance and
understanding. But the "self"
in which it felt "deeper" within is itself just a label for a million
conditioned phenomena, woven together by consciousness. The self is like a bundle of sticks taken
from elsewhere — "we"
are neither any individual stick, nor the string that ties them together. And what you discover in meditation is: there
is never any time at which the bundle as a whole does anything. It's always one stick or another. A desire.
A fear. A thought. Some will feel deep, some will feel shallow
— but those are just sensations, nothing more.
There's no truth to them. Here's
another journal entry:

If we are raised from a young age with a belief that red
is better than blue, and so when we are 33 years old and on meditation retreat
and seeing our feelings clearly, we see that, wow, I really prefer red to blue,
what are we seeing? It may be a strong,
deep-feeling emotion because of its age, but it isn't deep in the sense of
foundational. Because there is nothing
to be a foundation of.

There remains, and probably will for a while, a strong
desire to be other than what I am. I
accept my homosexuality, I celebrate it, but there is also a feeling of
"I don't prefer it." That is very painful to contemplate. But the main insight is this: strong desire,
feeling it in your guts, does not make it
"what
I really feel" or
"more
true."

 

This was my
experience, not dogma. But I want to
emphasize how radical it is. So much of
religious practice, ethics, even basic human decency is based on the
conventional model of conscience, in which you "trust your heart" or
in some other way access that "deep" part of the self. Undoing the priority of that voice leads to a
kind of moral anarchy, and is really only the first step on the journey. The next is deciding which voice to trust.

Of course,
it's easy to say that we should all trust the accepting, nurturing sides. But the point of going on retreat is not to
reaffirm one's core beliefs — it is gently to question them, to loosen any
attachments that may be hiding persistent fears or desires or aversions. I had to admit the possibility that maybe I
could change my sexuality, and maybe that would be the right thing to do. Otherwise I was just hiding in dogma again —
a healthy dogma, perhaps, but still just belief.

I did go
through a whole process of discernment, weighing the consequences of each side,
reflecting on the reality of love, and so on.
But ultimately, this is where vipassana ended and visualization
began. I needed to call on something
beyond my reflective mind.

I had to do
this because rationality was as unsatisfying as conscience. Conscience had failed because it was
unreliable — "gay is wrong" felt just like "prayer is
good," simply because both ideas were drummed into me from a young
age. But rationality failed because it
didn't resonate fully: it felt too philosophical, not emotional enough. Sure, repressing my sexuality would lead to alienation,
misery, ill health, and distortion of my soul.
It was clear, moreover, that I would be repressing one desire merely to
serve another one — namely, that of fitting in, being accepted, and so on. And I knew that from wisdom comes compassion,
and from God comes love. Thus those
views which bring us closer to love and compassion bring us closer to God. I saw that clearly.

But seeing
clearly wasn't feeling. I yearned for more — not for the fiction of
"deeper" within the self, but for faculties unavailable to the
ordinary mind. So, drawing on practices
I had cultivated in the past, I sought the advice of that which may be
conceptualized as angels or spirit-guides — or, if you prefer, as archetypes or
psychological projections. (The
conceptualization doesn't matter a whole lot to me, really; what matters are
the fruits, not the source.)

I chose as
my starting point the visualization described by Ed Sternbrecher in Gay Soul (a wonderful book) in which one
visualizes oneself emerging from a cave and consulting a Guide, who then is
asked to lead us to archetypes such as the sun and the moon so that we may
interact with them. I began in the cave,
which was very cloudy and hard to see, and then emerged into lots of green
leaves on trees. Intellectually I
realized this image was derived from a place I had visited: the Sam's Point ice
caves in Ellenville, New York. As I looked at the leaves, the image became
clearer, and so I turned to my right to look for my guide. My ego tried to project something, but its
image didn't stick. Instead, I started
flying through and then over the leaves.
I thought: Okay, this isn't in the book, but I'll allow whatever is
going to unfold. I felt myself being
guided, so I asked my guide if I could see him, and got a negative
response. Okay. Soon we came to the end of the forest of leafy
trees and the landscape became barren like Mars — just like Mars, as in movies
— in particular the movie Total Recall. (I was a little disappointed that my great
visualization was lifted from a movie, but I went with it anyway.) We came upon a domed city, also like in the
movie, and went in. People were moving
around — commerce, billboards, all the rest — and I had the definite sense
that I didn't want to be there. I tried
to continue the Sternbrecher visualization, and began looking for the sun. But I could barely make out the sun at all
through the translucent glass of the dome.
There was just a hazy whitish blur, barely visible on its surface.

So we got
out of there, my guide and me. Flew out,
back across the barren plain, and to a mountain, which we flew up, high into
the clouds. We came upon the typical
yogi with a long beard sitting at a cave on the mountain. I asked "Are you my guide?" He replied, "I'm you, buddy." I felt a great love arise, knowing that the
busy city was not my place, and that this was.
I turned to face the sun here, and in contrast to its appearance in the
city, it was huge and clear and vivid. It
perfectly filled my area of vision — not extending beyond, but taking up the
whole space. I felt a great release. Then a figure emerged from the sun, very
androgynous, ageless but young and beautiful, with a face that reminded me of
portraits by Leonardo and Michelangelo.
The figure seemed enlightened, gentle and loving, and surrounded by the
light of the sun. Generally the sun
represents the male archetype, but the figure was an androgyne — so I asked the
figure if I could see whether s/he was male or female, and the figure gave
permission. I laughed when I actually
heard a little unzipping sound (ha! the angel wears jeans!) but I really
couldn't see the body clearly. My mind
kept projecting images — a penis, a smooth chest — but it wasn't there, it was clearly
coming from me. So I let go of the need
to know, and asked if we could embrace, and s/he said yes. So we did, and it was loving and
wonderful. I then had an image of the
figure turning into a kind of sharp-toothed snake biting me in the back. I understood that the figure was mirroring my
feelings. If I approached with love, it
was loving; if with fear, it was fearsome and deadly. It was all in what I brought to it. I felt a deep sense of peace. As we continued to embrace, I again tried to
feel whether the body felt male or female, but couldn't; my ego was getting in
the way. We separated and the figure
said, "Remember, I am from the sun."

I
interpreted that to mean that this was my
sun-figure: the two-spirited one, uniting the feminine and the masculine.

Still
following, in a way, the path of the visualization, I asked to see the moon,
and saw a beautiful moon I'd seen in a tree earlier on retreat. As I looked closer, I saw my mother, smiling,
in an image reminiscent of images of the Virgin Mary, a mother cradling a
son. I felt myself cradled in motherly
love — and wondered if I'd ever really received this as a child. Or if I could allow myself to feel it now.

Then my
guide took me back a bit from the mountain and I saw something very clearly:
that the sun and the moon were equal, that both sides of the mountain were
equal. The guide said, "It doesn't
matter." The male side, the female side,
the gay side, the straight side, the light and the shadow — it doesn't matter
which side of the mountain you're on, it's the mountain that matters. Then I saw two gurus, one on the moon side
looking up at the moon in wonder, and the other on the sun side doing the same
thing. I saw the mountain as a perfect
triangle, divided right at the middle between the sun side and the moon
side. Both sides were beautiful.

Finally, I slowly
fell back down, back through the trees to the cave where I'd begun. I realized that I'd taken that long journey
over to the covered city, but all I really wanted had been right here — the
cave where I began was right at the foot of the mountain. I came to rest gently on the ground.

What
Gurdjieff calls "the quality of knowing" was, as I emerged from the
visualization, almost palpable. I
offered a prayer in gratitude for being able to receive it. In a way, the messages themselves were simple
— nothing you couldn't read in other chapters of Gay Soul, for example. But
that they had come from this place, and bore this quality, was richer than any
reduction to words. I felt refreshed,
reborn. Of course, the guilt would
remain, and would come to feel as "deep" as it had before. But a new wellspring had been tapped, with a
voice far more vast than conditioning.

There was
only one piece left: celebration. I had
spent days in the shadow, wrestling with demons. Since I am a bad Buddhist, I felt it was time
to walk in the woods, to rest, reflect, and rejoice. The day was clear, and crisp — a late
November morning, in a New England forest. There arose, as I walked in the cool air, a sweet,
gentle voice: that I am so lucky to be an erotic being, growing and learning
and playing and occasionally performing magic.
I sang, I danced, I took off my shoes.
The movement of energy in my body was like a tonic. That's right, I remembered, I'm alive.

Suddenly, I
heard a sound that sounded like rain. I
stopped dancing, and listened in puzzlement — there was not a cloud in the
sky. What was going on? As I looked and listened closely, I saw that,
in fact, there were literally millions of tiny insects — termites, I thought
— on the leaves on the ground, and on my bare feet as well. The sight, and sound, was amazing (as I
brushed the bug off my feet) — myriads of beings, decomposing the
freshly-fallen leaves, providing food for the sparrows so they can fatten
themselves up and survive the winter.
The flow of life, the natural cycle, and my deep awe at it all — this
was life, in its vividness.

There was a
time when I had a whole dark mythology of insects. They symbolized decay, and decadence. On my very first meditation retreat, I was
sitting one time and a mosquito landed on my hand. All those thoughts arose, along with the intense
desire to brush it away. I felt myself
being corrupted, felt the strong lines of my inherited morality being crossed
by the pantheism of organic experience.
But then, the mosquito was beautiful.
As I let it bite me, I experienced a delightful surrender, a yes not unlike that of Molly Bloom when
she welcomes in her wandering husband and allows him, too, to enter her. Let the bugs happen, I thought. God created the bugs, is the bugs. The idea that
they are dirty, or foul, or symbolic of this or that — that's human invention. Same with all the parts of ourselves we label
as shadow, or symbolic of decay.

Religion is
supposed to help us be more alive and more compassionate; it lessens suffering
and increases wonder. If it's doing the
opposite, something has gone wrong. True
religion is not a matter of opinion and dogma; it's a matter of love, and of
the movements of the holy which make us dance, or gape in ecstasy.

That
evening, I sat outside to watch the sun set.
Where I was sitting, a line of telephone wires was blocking the view, so
I thought I might move to a different spot.
And then I saw it, what I'd been working with all along: that the wires
weren't blocking the view, the wires were part of it. I might prefer a different view, of course,
one that conforms to images from postcards or fairytales, but this is the one
that is. The guilt, the self-hatred, the
thousand demons I have yet to encounter — I seek the courage to invite them
in, rather than deny them or push them away.
Only then, maybe, after I've stopped trying to make them go away, might
they eventually begin to disappear. As
when you're looking at a sunset, and you know the telephone wires are still
there, but you've learned to accept them, and not be trapped by them so much.

An earlier version of this essay appeared in White Crane: Gay Wisdom and Culture magazine
(http://www.whitecranejournal.com)

Photo by buggs, courtesy of Creative Commons license.

 

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DMT Resources
This article is a comprehensive DMT resource providing extensive information from studies, books, documentaries, and more. Check it out!

Differentiating DMT and Near-Death Experiences
Some say there are similarities between a DMT trip and death. Read our guide on differentiating DMT and near-death experiences to find out.

DMT Research from 1956 to the Edge of Time
From a representative sample of a suitably psychedelic crowd, you’d be hard pressed to find someone who couldn’t tell you all about Albert Hofmann’s enchanted bicycle ride after swallowing what turned out to be a massive dose of LSD. Far fewer, however, could tell you much about the world’s first DMT trip.

The Ultimate Guide to DMT Pricing
Check out our ultimate guide on DMT pricing to learn what to expect when purchasing DMT for your first time.

DMT Milking | Reality Sandwich
Indigenous cultures have used 5-MeO-DMT for centuries. With the surge in demand for psychedelic toad milk, is DMT Milking harming the frogs?

Why Does DMT Pervade Nature?
With the presence of DMT in nature everywhere – including human brains – why does it continue to baffle science?

DMT Substance Guide: Effects, Common Uses, Safety
Our ultimate guide to DMT has everything you want to know about this powerful psychedelic referred to as “the spirit molecule”.

DMT for Depression: Paving the Way for New Medicine
We’ve been waiting for an effective depression treatment. Studies show DMT for depression works even for treatment resistant patients.

Beating Addiction with DMT
Psychedelics have been studied for their help overcoming addiction. Read how DMT is helping addicts beat their substance abuse issues.

DMT Extraction: Behind the Scientific Process
Take a look at DMT extraction and the scientific process involved. Learn all you need to know including procedures and safety.

Microdosing DMT & Common Dosages Explained
Microdosing, though imperceivable, is showing to have many health benefits–here is everything you want to know about microdosing DMT.

DMT Art: A Look Behind Visionary Creations
An entire genre of artwork is inspired by psychedelic trips with DMT. Read to learn about the entities and visions behind DMT art.

Changa vs. DMT: What You Need to Know
While similar (changa contains DMT), each drug has its own unique effect and feeling. Let’s compare and contrast changa vs DMT.

5-MeO-DMT Guide: Effects, Benefits, Safety, and Legality
5-Meo-DMT comes from the Sonora Desert toad. Here is everything you want to know about 5-Meo-DMT and how it compares to 4-AcO-DMT.

4-AcO-DMT Guide: Benefits, Effects, Safety, and Legality
This guide tells you everything about 4 AcO DMT & 5 MeO DMT, that belong to the tryptamine class, and are similar but slightly different to DMT.

How Much Does LSD Cost? When shopping around for that magical psychedelic substance, there can be many uncertainties when new to buying LSD. You may be wondering how much does LSD cost? In this article, we will discuss what to expect when purchasing LSD on the black market, what forms LSD is sold in, and the standard breakdown of buying LSD in quantity.   Navy Use of LSD on the Dark Web The dark web is increasingly popular for purchasing illegal substances. The US Navy has now noticed this trend with their staff. Read to learn more.   Having Sex on LSD: What You Need to Know Can you have sex on LSD? Read our guide to learn everything about sex on acid, from lowered inhibitions to LSD users quotes on sex while tripping.   A Drug That Switches off an LSD Trip A pharmaceutical company is developing an “off-switch” drug for an LSD trip, in the case that a bad trip can happen. Some would say there is no such thing.   Queen of Hearts: An Interview with Liz Elliot on Tim Leary and LSD The history of psychedelia, particularly the British experience, has been almost totally written by men. Of the women involved, especially those who were in the thick of it, little has been written either by or about them. A notable exception is Liz Elliot.   LSD Guide: Effects, Common Uses, Safety LSD, Lysergic acid diethylamide, or just acid is one of the most important psychedelics ever discovered. What did history teach us?   Microdosing LSD & Common Dosage Explained Microdosing, though imperceivable, is showing to have many health benefits–here is everything you want to know about microdosing LSD.   LSD Resources Curious to learn more about LSD? This guide includes comprehensive LSD resources containing books, studies and more.   LSD as a Spiritual Aid There is common consent that the evolution of mankind is paralleled by the increase and expansion of consciousness. From the described process of how consciousness originates and develops, it becomes evident that its growth depends on its faculty of perception. Therefore every means of improving this faculty should be used.   Legendary LSD Blotter Art: A Hidden Craftsmanship Have you ever heard of LSD blotter art? Explore the trippy world of LSD art and some of the top artists of LSD blotter art.   LSD and Exercise: Does it Work? LSD and exercise? Learn why high-performing athletes are taking hits of LSD to improve their overall potential.   Jan Bastiaans Treated Holocaust Survivors with LSD Dutch psychiatrist, Jan Bastiaans administered LSD-assisted therapy to survivors of the Holocaust. A true war hero and pioneer of psychedelic-therapy.   LSD and Spiritual Awakening I give thanks for LSD, which provided the opening that led me to India in 1971 and brought me to Neem Karoli Baba, known as Maharajji. Maharajji is described by the Indians as a “knower of hearts.”   How LSD is Made: Everything You Need to Know Ever wonder how to make LSD? Read our guide to learn everything you need to know about the procedures of how LSD is made.   How to Store LSD: Best Practices Learn the best way to store LSD, including the proper temperature and conditions to maximize how long LSD lasts when stored.   Bicycle Day: The Discovery of LSD Every year on April 19th, psychonauts join forces to celebrate Bicycle Day. Learn about the famous day when Albert Hoffman first discovered the effects of LSD.   Cary Grant: A Hollywood Legend On LSD Cary Grant was a famous actor during the 1930’s-60’s But did you know Grant experimented with LSD? Read our guide to learn more.   Albert Hofmann: LSD — My Problem Child Learn about Albert Hofmann and his discovery of LSD, along with the story of Bicycle Day and why it marks a historic milestone.   Babies are High: What Does LSD Do To Your Brain What do LSD and babies have in common? Researchers at the Imperial College in London discover that an adult’s brain on LSD looks like a baby’s brain.   1P LSD: Effects, Benefits, Safety Explained 1P LSD is an analogue of LSD and homologue of ALD-25. Here is everything you want to know about 1P LSD and how it compares to LSD.   Francis Crick, DNA & LSD Type ‘Francis Crick LSD’ into Google, and the result will be 30,000 links. Many sites claim that Crick (one of the two men responsible for discovering the structure of DNA), was either under the influence of LSD at the time of his revelation or used the drug to help with his thought processes during his research. Is this true?   What Happens If You Overdose on LSD? A recent article presented three individuals who overdosed on LSD. Though the experience was unpleasant, the outcomes were remarkably positive.

The Ayahuasca Experience
Ayahuasca is both a medicine and a visionary aid. You can employ ayahuasca for physical, mental, emotional and spiritual repair, and you can engage with the power of ayahuasca for deeper insight and realization. If you consider attainment of knowledge in the broadest perspective, you can say that at all times, ayahuasca heals.

 

Trippy Talk: Meet Ayahuasca with Sitaramaya Sita and PlantTeachers
Sitaramaya Sita is a spiritual herbalist, pusangera, and plant wisdom practitioner formally trained in the Shipibo ayahuasca tradition.

 

The Therapeutic Value of Ayahuasca
My best description of the impact of ayahuasca is that it’s a rocket boost to psychospiritual growth and unfolding, my professional specialty during my thirty-five years of private practice.

 

Microdosing Ayahuasca: Common Dosage Explained
What is ayahuasca made of and what is considered a microdose? Explore insights with an experienced Peruvian brewmaster and learn more about this practice.

 

Ayahuasca Makes Neuron Babies in Your Brain
Researchers from Beckley/Sant Pau Research Program have shared the latest findings in their study on the effects of ayahuasca on neurogenesis.

 

The Fatimiya Sufi Order and Ayahuasca
In this interview, the founder of the Fatimiya Sufi Order,  N. Wahid Azal, discusses the history and uses of plant medicines in Islamic and pre-Islamic mystery schools.

 

Consideration Ayahuasca for Treatment of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Research indicates that ayahuasca mimics mechanisms of currently accepted treatments for PTSD. In order to understand the implications of ayahuasca treatment, we need to understand how PTSD develops.

 

Brainwaves on Ayahuasca: A Waking Dream State
In a study researchers shared discoveries showing ingredients found in Ayahuasca impact the brainwaves causing a “waking dream” state.

 

Cannabis and Ayahuasca: Mixing Entheogenic Plants
Cannabis and Ayahuasca: most people believe they shouldn’t be mixed. Read this personal experience peppered with thoughts from a pro cannabis Peruvian Shaman.

 

Ayahuasca Retreat 101: Everything You Need to Know to Brave the Brew
Ayahuasca has been known to be a powerful medicinal substance for millennia. However, until recently, it was only found in the jungle. Word of its deeply healing and cleansing properties has begun to spread across the world as many modern, Western individuals are seeking spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical well-being. More ayahuasca retreat centers are emerging in the Amazon and worldwide to meet the demand.

 

Ayahuasca Helps with Grief
A new study published in psychopharmacology found that ayahuasca helped those suffering from the loss of a loved one up to a year after treatment.

 

Ayahuasca Benefits: Clinical Improvements for Six Months
Ayahuasca benefits can last six months according to studies. Read here to learn about the clinical improvements from drinking the brew.

 

Ayahuasca Culture: Indigenous, Western, And The Future
Ayahuasca has been use for generations in the Amazon. With the rise of retreats and the brew leaving the rainforest how is ayahuasca culture changing?

 

Ayahuasca Guide: Effects, Common Uses, Safety
The Amazonian brew, Ayahuasca has a long history and wide use. Read our guide to learn all about the tea from its beginnings up to modern-day interest.

 

Ayahuasca and the Godhead: An Interview with Wahid Azal of the Fatimiya Sufi Order
Wahid Azal, a Sufi mystic of The Fatimiya Sufi Order and an Islamic scholar, talks about entheogens, Sufism, mythology, and metaphysics.

 

Ayahuasca and the Feminine: Women’s Roles, Healing, Retreats, and More
Ayahuasca is lovingly called “grandmother” or “mother” by many. Just how feminine is the brew? Read to learn all about women and ayahuasca.

What Is the Standard of Care for Ketamine Treatments?
Ketamine therapy is on the rise in light of its powerful results for treatment-resistant depression. But, what is the current standard of care for ketamine? Read to find out.

What Is Dissociation and How Does Ketamine Create It?
Dissociation can take on multiple forms. So, what is dissociation like and how does ketamine create it? Read to find out.

Having Sex on Ketamine: Getting Physical on a Dissociative
Curious about what it could feel like to have sex on a dissociate? Find out all the answers in our guide to sex on ketamine.

Special K: The Party Drug
Special K refers to Ketamine when used recreationally. Learn the trends as well as safety information around this substance.

Kitty Flipping: When Ketamine and Molly Meet
What is it, what does it feel like, and how long does it last? Read to explore the mechanics of kitty flipping.

Ketamine vs. Esketamine: 3 Important Differences Explained
Ketamine and esketamine are used to treat depression. But what’s the difference between them? Read to learn which one is right for you: ketamine vs. esketamine.

Guide to Ketamine Treatments: Understanding the New Approach
Ketamine is becoming more popular as more people are seeing its benefits. Is ketamine a fit? Read our guide for all you need to know about ketamine treatments.

Ketamine Treatment for Eating Disorders
Ketamine is becoming a promising treatment for various mental health conditions. Read to learn how individuals can use ketamine treatment for eating disorders.

Ketamine Resources, Studies, and Trusted Information
Curious to learn more about ketamine? This guide includes comprehensive ketamine resources containing books, studies and more.

Ketamine Guide: Effects, Common Uses, Safety
Our ultimate guide to ketamine has everything you need to know about this “dissociative anesthetic” and how it is being studied for depression treatment.

Ketamine for Depression: A Mental Health Breakthrough
While antidepressants work for some, many others find no relief. Read to learn about the therapeutic uses of ketamine for depression.

Ketamine for Addiction: Treatments Offering Hope
New treatments are offering hope to individuals suffering from addiction diseases. Read to learn how ketamine for addiction is providing breakthrough results.

Microdosing Ketamine & Common Dosages Explained
Microdosing, though imperceivable, is showing to have many health benefits–here is everything you want to know about microdosing ketamine.

How to Ease a Ketamine Comedown
Knowing what to expect when you come down from ketamine can help integrate the experience to gain as much value as possible.

How to Store Ketamine: Best Practices
Learn the best ways how to store ketamine, including the proper temperature and conditions to maximize how long ketamine lasts when stored.

How To Buy Ketamine: Is There Legal Ketamine Online?
Learn exactly where it’s legal to buy ketamine, and if it’s possible to purchase legal ketamine on the internet.

How Long Does Ketamine Stay in Your System?
How long does ketamine stay in your system? Are there lasting effects on your body? Read to discover the answers!

How Ketamine is Made: Everything You Need to Know
Ever wonder how to make Ketamine? Read our guide to learn everything you need to know about the procedures of how Ketamine is made.

Colorado on Ketamine: First Responders Waiver Programs
Fallout continues after Elijah McClain. Despite opposing recommendations from some city council, Colorado State Health panel recommends the continued use of ketamine by medics for those demonstrating “excited delirium” or “extreme agitation”.

Types of Ketamine: Learn the Differences & Uses for Each
Learn about the different types of ketamine and what they are used for—and what type might be right for you. Read now to find out!

Kitty Flipping: When Ketamine and Molly Meet
What is it, what does it feel like, and how long does it last? Read to explore the mechanics of kitty flipping.

MDMA & Ecstasy Guide: Effects, Common Uses, Safety
Our ultimate guide to MDMA has everything you want to know about Ecstasy from how it was developed in 1912 to why it’s being studied today.

How To Get the Most out of Taking MDMA as a Couple
Taking MDMA as a couple can lead to exciting experiences. Read here to learn how to get the most of of this love drug in your relationship.

Common MDMA Dosage & Microdosing Explained
Microdosing, though imperceivable, is showing to have many health benefits–here is everything you want to know about microdosing MDMA.

Having Sex on MDMA: What You Need to Know
MDMA is known as the love drug… Read our guide to learn all about sex on MDMA and why it is beginning to makes its way into couple’s therapy.

How MDMA is Made: Common Procedures Explained
Ever wonder how to make MDMA? Read our guide to learn everything you need to know about the procedures of how MDMA is made.

Hippie Flipping: When Shrooms and Molly Meet
What is it, what does it feel like, and how long does it last? Explore the mechanics of hippie flipping and how to safely experiment.

How Cocaine is Made: Common Procedures Explained
Ever wonder how to make cocaine? Read our guide to learn everything you need to know about the procedures of how cocaine is made.

A Christmas Sweater with Santa and Cocaine
This week, Walmart came under fire for a “Let it Snow” Christmas sweater depicting Santa with lines of cocaine. Columbia is not merry about it.

Ultimate Cocaine Guide: Effects, Common Uses, Safety
This guide covers what you need to know about Cocaine, including common effects and uses, legality, safety precautions and top trends today.

NEWS: An FDA-Approved Cocaine Nasal Spray
The FDA approved a cocaine nasal spray called Numbrino, which has raised suspicions that the pharmaceutical company, Lannett Company Inc., paid off the FDA..

The Ultimate Guide to Cannabis Bioavailability
What is bioavailability and how can it affect the overall efficacy of a psychedelic substance? Read to learn more.

Cannabis Research Explains Sociability Behaviors
New research by Dr. Giovanni Marsicano shows social behavioral changes occur as a result of less energy available to the neurons. Read here to learn more.

The Cannabis Shaman
If recreational and medical use of marijuana is becoming accepted, can the spiritual use as well? Experiential journalist Rak Razam interviews Hamilton Souther, founder of the 420 Cannabis Shamanism movement…

Cannabis Guide: Effects, Common Uses, Safety
Our ultimate guide to Cannabis has everything you want to know about this popular substances that has psychedelic properties.

Cannabis and Ayahuasca: Mixing Entheogenic Plants
Cannabis and Ayahuasca: most people believe they shouldn’t be mixed. Read this personal experience peppered with thoughts from a procannabis Peruvian Shaman.

CBD-Rich Cannabis Versus Single-Molecule CBD
A ground-breaking study has documented the superior therapeutic properties of whole plant Cannabis extract as compared to synthetic cannabidiol (CBD), challenging the medical-industrial complex’s notion that “crude” botanical preparations are less effective than single-molecule compounds.

Cannabis Has Always Been a Medicine
Modern science has already confirmed the efficacy of cannabis for most uses described in the ancient medical texts, but prohibitionists still claim that medical cannabis is “just a ruse.”

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